1. |
Bad Advice
03:42
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My best advice is not to take mine. If you need help, go find someone else.
Honestly, honesty’s a chore… I have way less friends than I did before.
You’re a lonely soul looking for a warmer hand to hold onto you, but your master plan
curled up into a scroll, lit on fire… burning up like a dutch you rolled.
You forgot how to be remote, so you inhale suggestions like cigarette smoke.
If I build a wall, would you break my fall
when I see you climbing up and I jump off?
If I steal the scene, would you break off clean,
or would you act like you don’t know what I mean?
I tried to count how long until these thoughts were gone…
I thought that you’d hang on, but I was dead wrong.
You tried to steer your boat away from a sinking coast…
We all tend to forget the ones that matter most.
You tip-toe around the truth like it’s a hawk with an eye on you.
If you want my opinion, say so to begin with:
“You were digging up the seeds before you knew what they grew.”
When I break the vase, will you take the blame?
It’d be such a shame to see you leave this way.
I just wanted a taste of your toxic waste.
I should’ve put you out, but I fanned the flame...
(and look what you became)
Nobody’s perfect, you’ll find, when it’s not peace of mind.
You want to hurt it when you’re not a one-of-a-kind.
The energy you bottled up is close exploding.
I’m barely making the cut, just easing your yearning.
My best advice is just bad advice.
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2. |
Play Dead
03:46
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2/Play Dead
Can’t fake light that is flooding from the eyes that are watching all the time.
While we loosen our grip we keep tearing at the vines
that held us in place, that safe space…
we left it closed and cold, and folded our hands in our laps.
“Guess that’s the end of that.”
I guess that’s the end of that.
Can’t keep holding onto promises I’ve broken,
but I can’t leave this unspoken anymore.
I guess that’s the end of that.
Can I just mute the gears grinding in between my ears
so I can figure how to settle the score?
I guess that’s the end of that.
My fake life was torn from the light.
I keep pulling the curtains, I know that you’re hurting, but that’s what I like.
We left it on the ground, didn’t bury the evidence.
If I’m dead by the end of this, baby, that’s what you’d like.
Well, maybe I’ll rise lovely as a phantom.
Lovely, as a phantom.
My fake life can’t fake the light
flooding from your eyes.
I’m terrified.
I’m pulling the curtains
I know that you’re hurting
but that’s what I like.
I’m terrified.
That’s what I like.
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3. |
IDEKWIDA
03:08
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Sand through the hourglass that is locked in place,
that we can’t get back,
that we spent too proud to ever really become friends.
After that tragic fact, we would never leave ourselves unprotected.
To be disappointed again.
If you’re happy, then I’m happy.
Fuck it.
I’ll just have to keep my hands distracted from the crushing anxiety consuming me violently.
I know you better than you know the lines in your palm,
cuz you never payed close attention.
And I could never move on, but you fell in love with the first guy that looked your direction.
As you fell into his arms, I was probably stoned, raising false alarms.
As he secured his petty pride, I was getting by feeling half alive.
What did you want me to say?
So I said nothing and left it.
Cover the hole in the wall and fake effervescence.
The house we built on the hill, what did I do before it?
The cabinets filled up with pills, now I can’t afford it…
To be alone in this room.
What am I left with now?
I’m tearing this whole thing down.
When only dust remains, I’ll claim I didn’t even know what I was doing.
What am I left with now?
Anxiety,
Consuming me so violently
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4. |
Wisdom Teeth
03:00
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Hate loves to infiltrate my every cell until my body is a living hell.
You fell into your wishing well, I will not tell.
I will not tell.
One day I’ll learn to believe what I see and not what I’ve heard.
You’re like a voodoo doll, walking on pins and needles
or a brick wall covered up in graffiti.
No opinions for yourself.
I mistook you for someone else.
One day I’ll learn to believe what I see and not what I’ve heard.
Oh, but how can I learn when all I see is all I’ve heard?
Who will love you when you aren’t brand new?
“We’ll love you when you’re old and used.”
Keep my wisdom in my teeth,
Tastes like hate but gives me faith.
One day I’ll learn everything I see isn’t all I’ve heard.
Who will love you?
“We will love you!”
Who will love you when you aren’t brand new?
Who will love you?
“We will love you
When you’re old, and used!”
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5. |
Warm
03:49
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Held up, it takes time. (Yeah, yeah…)
That’s okay, the car’s still warming up. (Yeah, yeah…)
I can’t see through the frost, I won’t leave without you.
Brave the sleet and snow, and black ice on the road
just to feel the warmth of your room in a blizzard.
What was all of this for if you don’t love who you are?
I was never the right choice, but the one you made didn’t get you very far.
Come November or December, I’ll just have to send a message
that I think I’m doing better, but this time of year’s depressing.
There’s a painting on the wall that is blending in with all the shadows piling there…
Do you miss it like I miss it?
Who have you been warming up to?
Brave the sticks and stones your friends love to throw,
anything to make me feel uncomfortable.
Don’t you break my bones, I have to make it home.
Lay in my bed so I can finally be comfortable.
I put up a façade
Made you chase a mirage
Made a lot of bold moves
Took a lot of big steps
But we didn’t get that far, did we?
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6. |
Dirt Medley
03:00
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This is not the first Christmas I have spent alone.
I have not found new love, but I have found new lows.
I can only say so much before I start repeating the same four words.
Same four words over and over, til everything feels forced.
So this is what dirt tastes like?
Hand me a fork and knife!
I’ll dig in, but I’ll talk with my mouth full of mud,
I’ll make sure you get the message to run far from what was supposed to just be for fun,
but quickly became your only source of income.
I can tell the difference between truth and love,
but I can’t tell when someone’s making it up.
It’s all just a cycle,
you run me right through something I’ll never get used to.
Your body’s cyclone,
I’m pulled into you.
I’m uprooted, but I’ll be home soon.
I could always tell the difference,
and to my bitter disgust
I saw your fragile features fracture
telling tales ancient as earth’s crust
of how the balance beam cracks under the pressure of a pick-me-up,
and confidence shatters on the hardwood like a bone china teacup.
(Just make something up.)
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7. |
Mischief
04:07
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Didn’t think I’d make it to 25,
I’m still alive.
Still don’t think I’ll make it to 30,
at least not without hurting the ones I’ve always held dear,
the ones standing up here with me through all of this.
It’s not worthless, I’m sure of it.
I’ll keep my head on my shoulders for over…
Over January, October without a single night sober.
Why do I do it to myself?
Why do I put “me” through this hell?
And if you need me, shake me before I fuse to the couch.
I saw a light through the window like a glimmer in mischief’s eye.
I’m seeing silhouettes, I’m having nightmares…
If I even fall asleep tonight.
Didn’t think we’d make it this far past the gate.
We left our friends and family, we couldn’t bear to wait.
There’s a whole world out there beyond the tree line!
You could build a whole new life, and I’ll redeem mine!
If you find a better drug, it cripples your time…
Isn’t it a god damn shame?
It should be a crime to see someone so beautiful waste away like that’s what she’s using for…
To be blinded and bonded together by chemicals that keep you coming back for more.
You follow him like a meth head chases a death bed!
“I’m not an addict, I just need one hit!”
You’re making everything personal public!
I’m not for it.
I’m not above it, but to see someone so beautiful waste away like that’s what she’s using for…
To be blinded and bonded together by chemicals that keep you coming back for more.
I’m feeling dry, cracked watercolors from finger paintings we made when we were young.
Maybe if I stayed, you’d have carried on… so sad to know you’re gone.
I pulled the knife from the robin’s breast and with its dying breath it sang,
“I thought that we were friends…”
and then I slipped the knife back in.
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8. |
Bugs
03:39
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Don’t you throw me to the wind, like ashes
or a kite with broken wings you toss to the storm out of morbid curiosity.
Like lightning, you’re shocking me…
Don’t you throw me out.
There’s this unspeakable beauty in butterfly wings and watching you pin
frozen bodies to a cork board.
You’re the only person I would give it all up for.
There’s this concussion I can’t shake off…
I wouldn’t want to.
I wouldn’t wanna see you meld into the background with everyone else.
It all blurs…
You gave up, but I’ll be around.
You’re acting selfish, but you’re no actress.
Disappointing performance, crowd’s losing patience.
No one came here to see the same thing I came to see:
The look in your eyes when you truly believe you’re doing the right thing.
There’s this unfathomable grip I have on a former love.
Former love, replay it, make it undone, and write it better for everyone.
I will try to erase history, my dirty face.
Dirty face pressed firmly in my shallow palms,
I’ll write this better for everyone.
I am the bug who has strayed from the field
Out over the road to smash into your windshield
As you madly flee from a town where you can’t feel
Peel off, like a scab that you pick til it can’t heal
Dark green guts that smeared on the glass
Obscure the future, relive the past
Cry til you sing because no one is watching
Except for the insect who doesn’t have eyelids.
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9. |
Dozing...
01:40
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If this is real life… don’t wake me up.
Don’t wake me up.
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10. |
Seasonal
02:51
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I lost your scent; it lingered for a few months.
The bait and the catch, you say I never have fun.
I never really tried; I guess that’s why you gave up.
You wasted no time and I can’t say I blame ya.
My whole plan fell out from the bottom of the planet.
I took the dive and broke through the safety net.
I never blamed anyone but me for my stubborn, jaded ways,
and that’s how it should be.
It doesn’t feel like summer anymore, and the wilting of the leaves rattles me.
Scatter me across fields of wheat, breathe in the winter air, and release…
Everything that makes you think of me angrily, excessively.
Gripping bare branched trees, “What’s reason to believe in anything?
If I get in your way, would that make it okay?
Or would you push me to the side (when both my hands are tied) in hopes that it would change me?
I resorted to lies, hoping you would praise me… but now you just hate me.”
It doesn’t feel like summer anymore, and the wilting of the leaves rattles me.
Scatter me across fields of wheat, breathe in the winter air, and release…
Everything that makes you think of me angrily, excessively.
Gripping bare branched trees, “What’s reason to believe in anything?”
Lashing out at anyone and everything that gets in your way like that makes it okay.
Does that make it okay?
Cuz I don’t feel okay.
Okay…
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11. |
Better Off
03:57
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Send me away to dig my own grave…
It’s what I’ve been to since you last saw me talking to shadows and calling at ghosts
that never talk back when I need them most.
Improving my judgement, coping with losses, building a coffin.
Since you last called me I haven’t been boxing myself or smoking away my health.
Isn’t it crazy how the little things change when love doesn’t feel like the right word to say?
I can’t believe how much I bleed when the pen’s the blade and in the vein.
Isn’t it insane how little we sleep when the moon’s glaring off the bedsheets?!
Now I see how little you really mean, and I’m better! I’m better! I’m better!
Much better!
“Better off without you.”
I’ll have to keep repeating,
“I’m better off without you, I’ve finally been dreaming.”
I’m better off thinking, “I’m better off, and you never really gave a fuck.”
I’m better off thinking, “I’m better off.”
Please don’t ever wake me up.
If this is real life, then don’t wake me up.
Don’t wake me up til you’re home.
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Indian Giver Hamilton Township, New Jersey
Central Jersey Emo/Indie/
Alternative
Follow on instagram
@indiangivernj
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